As always, this analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Friday, May 19, 2017
It's So Excessive
Rewrite your original Paw Print passage so that each sentence is overrun with excessive modifiers. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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Original passage: The chemistry building between each member on the team will help propel both teams to improve as they head into prelims and finals.
ReplyDeleteWith the boys taking first at four out of the five league meets, they are strong contenders to take the title as well. The girls team has remained in the hunt as well, with several close second place finishes in league meets.
Over-modified: The incredibly strong and positive chemistry building between each and every female and male member of the Polytechnic track and field team will help to quickly propel the talented members to improve by a lot as they soon head into the challenging prelims and daunting finals. With the talented boys taking the first place at four out of the five Prep League track meets, they are strong, hard-working, favored contenders to take league title as well. The equally as talented girls team of highly-qualified athletes has remained in the challenging hunt as well, with several nail-bitingly close second place finishes in the first five league meets of Poly’s track and field season.
Adding excessive modifiers to this passage from a sports article changed the way the article is supposed to be structured. When writing a sports report, the guidelines are to be straight and to the point, avoiding flowery words and phrases. In the sports section, readers want to read the article to get the facts and updates about the teams; they do not need to know how the “incredibly strong and positive” chemistry is helping the team, only that the building chemistry is helping. The added modifiers take away from the focus of the article (the team) and instead turn attention to descriptions of each entity mentioned. The sentence, “The equally as talented girls team of highly-qualified athletes has remained in the challenging hunt as well, with several nail-bitingly close second place finishes in the first five league meets of Poly’s track and field season,” contains far more modifiers than necessary, which detracts from the information the sentence is stating. The focus of the sentence has become the description of the girls team and the competition, versus how the girls team is doing in the competition. Excessive modifiers can be useful in certain situations, but they are inappropriate for a simple sports article whose goal is to educate readers by giving them facts.
Original passage, written by Desmond Mantle:
ReplyDeleteHere in the United States, we are uniquely free. While we can choose so many of the things that affect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea have no such freedom.
However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism has done to the populations of these countries, it is also important to recognize that there are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the “Free World.”
Rewritten passage with excessive modifiers:
Here in the grandiose and unequivocally freedom-fetishizing United States of America, we, the great citizens of our nation, are uniquely and utterly free, both in mind and body. While we, the aforementioned star-studded bald eagle-worshippers, can choose so, so, so, so, so many of the massively influential things that affect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes (governmental structures in which the top officials hold incomparable power over average citizens), such as Cuba and North Korea, have no luscious freedom like our own.
However, just as we, the proprietors of this great nation, recognize the monolithically immense damage that authoritarianism has done to the drastically unfortunate and destitute populations of these countries, it is also incredibly important to recognize that there are people who prefer what would seem to be an incredibly hard life under oppressive authoritarian regimes to life like ours in the paradisiacal “Free World.”
Since the original passage was an opinion piece, the altered version did not have a weaker author's message or less clear intent, it simply became flouncier and less concise. Not only that, the modified version seemed extravagant and even pretentious in its excessive use of modifiers, specifically in regards to the more obscure and esoteric adjectives. For example, in the original thesis Mantle writes, "Here in the United States, we are uniquely free." While the following few sentences are not nearly as neatly put together, the first sentence is definitively to the point. The altered version's thesis reads, "Here in the grandiose and unequivocally freedom-fetishizing United States of America, we, the great citizens of our nation, are uniquely and utterly free, both in mind and body." Not only is the latter triple the former's length, it also wastes time on frivolous and auxiliary modifiers, fat which it could comfortably lack. Since the second version is so ridden with useless adjectives, adverbs, and phrases, the reader is riddled to understand the intent of the author: to comment on the relative freedom of Americans or to flex their vocabulary muscles. Therefore, while the gist of the passage is maintained, the version with excessive modifiers has unnecessary frills and an added air of contempt.
Original passage: Although the curriculum and the structure of the course are still in development, Diederich proposes that students will be given a list of about ten global challenges, ranging from climate change and civil war to the refugee crises and civil rights, and will be expected to collectively narrow down to about three topics they wish to explore further in depth throughout the year.
ReplyDeleteAltered passage: Although the effective, curious, and enjoyable curriculum and the firm, reliable structure of the course are still in development, an intelligent and spunky Diederich proposes that the enthusiastic students will be given a thorough and useful list of about ten global challenges, ranging from the rigorous climate change and deadly civil war to the saddening refugee crisis and all-important civil rights, and will be expected to collectively narrow down to about three, attention-grabbing topics they wish to explore further in depth throughout the academic year.
Analysis: The use of excessive modifiers in this passage alters the voice to make it sound like the person is obsessively trying to ehance his/her writing. When talking about the GIP, it sounded way too over the top and awkward. "Although the effective, curious, and enjoyable curriculum and the firm, reliable structure of the course are still in development, an intelligent and spunky Diederich proposes that the enthusiastic students will...". This use of adjectives is relatively unecesary, and makes it sound odd and as if the writer is trying too hard. The use of adjectives and other modifiers is generally a good idea, but when they writer is excessive with his/her use of them, it makes the writing awkward and over the top.
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ReplyDeleteOriginal:
ReplyDeleteBased on the CNN Heroes Award, a platform designed to showcase and honor individuals who make extraordinary contributions to humanitarian aid, Paws for Humanity looked to the Poly Community for candidates. The applicants were judged based on what they would do with the grant and how their work specifically impacts the community and their own lives.
Modified:
Based on the great CNN Heroes Award, an incredibly necessary platform designed to showcase and honor the deserving individuals who make phenomenal and extraordinary contributions to humanitarian aid, Poly’s own Paws for Humanity looked to the bright eyed and outgoing Poly community for candidates. The hopeful applicants were judged based on what whey would do with the generous grant and how their outstanding work specifically impacts the community and their own lives.
Analysis:
When adding excessive modifiers to a passage from the Paw Print, I noticed that unlike the conversion to simple sentences, where the change made the passage unenthusiastic and dry, this alteration actually made parts of the passage much more enthusiastic and vivid. I believe that part of the reason this particular reconstruction worked was because of the content of the passage. The passage focused on the recognition of those who give back to the community, so it would make sense to further glorify the Paws for Humanity program: “Based on the great CNN Heroes Award, an incredibly necessary platform designed to showcase and honor the deserving individuals who make phenomenal and extraordinary contributions to humanitarian aid…” From words like necessary, deserving, phenomenal, and extraordinary, the reader could associate positive ideas with the Paws for Humanity project, ultimately further conveying the message with which the passage was originally written. Although the addition of excessive modifiers makes the passage a bit wordier, it ultimately adds passion to the author’s voice and a further explanation of the message she is conveying.
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ReplyDeletePassage: “Although the one-child policy has now been replaced by the two-child policy, Fong’s work showed the long-lasting impact of the policy and its many complexities that bind together all aspects of the nation’s society and economy. Fong illuminated many facets of both the policy and China as a whole, offering an informative and timely perspective on the country.”
ReplyDeleteExcessive Modifiers: Although the one-child policy has now been replaced by the two child policy, Fong’s extremely dedicated, time-consuming work show the long lasting, sustainable impact of the policy and its many complexities that bind together all aspects of the nation’s society and economy. Fong illuminated many interesting, fascinating, attention grabbing facets of both the policy and China as a whole, offering an informative, timely, descriptive, enlightening, informational, revealing perspective on the country.
Reflection: This adjustment to the passage was the easiest so far, at least for me. Although reading it may sound a little weird, and get the reader distracted from the point of the story, I don’t think it altered the meaning of the story very much. But, it did make it sound very weird. It also showed me that even though sometimes I was to add lots of descriptive words to my writing to make it sound very strong and put together, less is more. While writing my analytical essay, I replaced a lot of modifiers with better, stronger ones. But, I learned through this alteration that replacing adjectives and verbs with stronger, or better adjectives and verbs does NOT mean add more.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete“The Upper School Outreach Council recently presented the finalists for the Paws for Humanity project, highlighting students and their service work in the Poly community. Based on the CNN Heroes Award, a platform designed to showcase and honor individuals who make extraordinary contributions to to humanitarian aid, Paws for Humanity looked to the Poly community for candidates.”
Adaption:
The south campus education-rich Upper School’s vibrant and caring Outreach Council recently presented the lucky, generous finalists for the creative, colorful Paws for Humanity project highlighting exceptional diverse students and their impactful work in the magnificent Poly community. Based on the incredible CNN Heroes Award, an inclusive platform designed to showcase and honor wonderful individuals who make extraordinary, life changing contributions to humanitarian aid, Paws for Humanity looked to the open, kindhearted Poly community for the best fit candidates.
Analysis:
Adding these excessive modifiers shifted the focus of the paragraph and forced readers to think more deeply about how and why this project came about. In some cases, the excessive modifiers added a previously missing element to the passage. For instance, “. Based on the incredible CNN Heroes Award, an inclusive platform designed…” I changed this part of the article to “ Based on the incredible CNN Heroes Award, an inclusive platform designed...” This enhanced the overall passage because its detail offered a new perspective. However, there were instances of utter confusion and jumbles of words throughout the modified passage. “The south campus education-rich Upper School’s vibrant and caring Outreach Council recently presented the lucky, generous finalists…” This quote became quite confusing and taxing to read. To conclude, this adaption was interesting but also difficult to know when it was too excessive.
Original
ReplyDeleteDespite previous “America First” foreign policy positions, President Trump recently changed his stance on Assad and Syria from one of complacency to one of militancy. As a symbol of condemnation towards Assad’s most recent use of chemical weapons in the ongoing Syrian Civil War, Donald With the recent North Korean missile tests and America’s subsequent deployment of aircraft carriers to the Korean peninsula, the issue of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) has once again become the subject of media attention. Mainstream news outlets, think tanks and pundits alike are debating the best way to both prevent further nuclear proliferation and address the abject poverty and lack of basic freedoms within the hermit kingdom. Every test is met with further trade sanctions by the U.S. that, despite their intent, seem to do little besides create more anti-U.S. propaganda opportunities for Kim Jong-un and worsen conditions for the non-elite within North Korea. It is time for the U.S. to take a new approach.
Reworked
Despite the horrifically terrifying “America First” foreign policy positions, President Trump recently changed his astounding stance on Assad and Syria from one of beautiful complacency to one of wonderful militancy. As a credible symbol of condemnation towards Assad’s most recent use of chemical weapons in the ongoing Syrian Civil War, Donald With the recent North Korean missile tests and America’s subsequent deployment of aircraft carriers to the wonderful Korean peninsula, the issue of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) has once again become the subject of tremendous media attention. Mainstream news outlets, think gigantic tanks and husky pundits alike are debating the best way to both prevent further nuclear proliferation and address the abject poverty and lack of basic freedoms within the hermit kingdom. Every wonderfully admirable test is met with further trade sanctions by the U.S. that, despite their atrocious intent, seem to do little besides create more anti-U.S. propaganda opportunities for Kim Jong-un and worsen conditions for the non-elite within North Korea. It is time for the U.S. to take a new approach.
Analysis
Altering the normal Paw Print’s to excessive modifiers affected the length and disturbed the flow. When changing the passage from their original form to excessive modifiers I realized the flow was much harder to register compared to the original. By adding all the modifiers the passage suffered from overly long sentences and comma splices. Though the length was within the limit, it didn't need to be so lengthy. The modifiers affect the interest of the passage because of the amount of time it takes to get straight to the point. “Despite the horrifically terrifying “America First” foreign policy positions, President Trump recently changed his astounding stance on Assad and Syria from one of beautiful complacency to one of wonderful militancy. “This quote analyzes Trumps stance on the militancy occurring at the moment, while the original quote gives the same in depth response with less words, “Despite previous “America First” foreign policy positions, President Trump recently changed his stance on Assad and Syria from one of complacency to one of militancy.” The flow is clearly better while containing less words. All in all constructing a full paragraph with excessive modifiers is possible, but you risk the length and flow of the given passage.
Original: In their most recent game against the Kares, the game remained scoreless through three and a half innings, but in the bottom of the fourth, Poly brought in two runs to take a 2-0 lead. In the bottom of the fifth, Poly added two more runs, increasing their lead to 4-0.
ReplyDeleteExcessive: During their most up-to-date difficult battle against the Kares, the heated game remained utterly scoreless through a whole three and a half innings. But fortunately, in the very bottom of the fourth, Poly's vigorous baseball team brought in two marvelous runs, taking an incredible 2-0 lead. As the game progressed, Poly score two more additional runs, increasing their stunning lead to 4-0.
While incorporating excessive modifiers into the passage, I noticed the original meaning getting dragged on. In comparison to the three other rewrites we completed for this passage, this rewrite is by far the most dramatic and enlarged version. The author's voice is majorly shifted from a regular, and calm observer, to a highly energetic fan. The ideas within this article change from mere facts to sounding loud and/or excited while writing. Adding excessive modifiers to the original passage obviously lengthened it, but at the same time, it took away from the intended meaning. The main focus of this text was meant to be the updates on Poly's baseball team, but instead, the focus was shifted to the modifiers and extra words. In conclusion, incorporating excessive modifiers into this passage did not positively change and/or deepen the meaning within the text.
Finally, it was time to leave the busy, exciting march and join together at the hospitable Line Hotel in the area of Los angeles known as Koreatown. Weeks, days, and hours before, Grace had bravely and courageously expressed that on this long winter day, she needed to boldly and symbolically walk. Her righteous, honest sentiment sound correctly right. As we slowly walked the arduous three miles to the comfortably Line, we found ourselves reconnecting happily and acceptingly with the big, bold, scary, downtown Los Angeles in the way only a tired, excited, exhausted pedestrian can.
ReplyDeleteAdding excessive modifiers into the passage makes the writer of the paragraph sound overexcited or worked up. The original writing says, "Weeks before, Grace had expressed that on this day, she needed to walk," (Davis 2). The altered paragraph adds unneeded modifiers that don't add any new meaning and just make the writer seem ecstatic. Without the modifiers, the same meaning can be pulled from the paragraph.