As always, this analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
It's So Passive
Rewrite your original Paw Print passage so that it is entirely in the passive voice. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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Original passage: The chemistry building between each member on the team will help propel both teams to improve as they head into prelims and finals.
ReplyDeleteWith the boys taking first at four out of the five league meets, they are strong contenders to take the title as well. The girls team has remained in the hunt as well, with several close second place finishes in league meets.
Pacified: Both teams will be propelled to improve as they head into league prelims and finals by the building chemistry between each member on the team.
The first four out of five league meets were taken by the boys, making them strong contenders to take the title as well.
Several close second place finishes in league meets were won by the girls team, keeping them in the hunt.
Turning each sentence of the passage into the passive voice created a paragraph of information that consisted of long sentences that almost get boring before the reader can finish reading them. Since all of the sentences were previously in the active voice, I had to change every sentence, which unnecessarily elongated the passage as well as added repetition of the same preposition, “by”. The sentence, “The girls team has remained in the hunt as well, with several close second place finishes in league meets,” became, “Several close second place finishes in league meets were won by the girls team, keeping them in the hunt.” In the edited sentence, the prepositional phrase “by the girls team” is the third use of “by” in the passage which is very repetitive as there are only three sentences in the passage. The passive voice also made each sentence lose their initial feeling of excitement about the teams the author is discussing. For the sentences above, the second sentence has switched-around clauses and a few added words, removing the direct and to the point feel the unedited sentence has.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete“The Upper School Outreach Council recently presented the finalists for the Paws for Humanity project, highlighting students and their service work in the Poly community. Based on the CNN Heroes Award, a platform designed to showcase and honor individuals who make extraordinary contributions to to humanitarian aid, Paws for Humanity looked to the Poly community for candidates.”
Adaption:
Paws for Humanity finalists were presented by the Upper School Outreach Council and service work in the Poly community was rewarded. Candidates in the Poly community were looked to for this project which seeked extraordinary individuals in this platform.
Analysis:
Converting this passage into passive voice enhanced some parts of it, while detracting meaning from others. Similar to my experience with abstract nouns, I had to do some background research in order to refresh my memory on what the passive voice is. After doing so, I converted the verbs to passive and it was a very interesting change. As I said before, some of the conversions enhanced the passage such as the change from “The Upper School Outreach Council recently presented the finalists for the Paws for Humanity project” to “Paws for Humanity finalists were presented by the Upper School Outreach Council “. In my opinion, the second sentence sounds more unique and enticing. On the other hand, the second sentence I reworked became awkward and did not convey the meaning of the passage very well.
Original Passage:
ReplyDeleteOn Friday, March 17th Poly invited Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman to speak to upper school students about the dangers of substance and process addiction that threaten today's adolescents. While the topics are reasonable and appropriate to present to such an audience, the choice to welcome back Dr. Pinsky is puzzling. "Dr. Drew" as he is more broadly known, is board certified in chemical dependency and a nationally syndicated radio talk show host who has produced and starred in such series as Celebrity rehab, Lifechangers and Dr. Drew on Call. However, his status as both a media personality and licensed physician have embroiled dos career in several controversies, and, in my opinion seriously diminished the impact his message could have had on poly students.
Adaptation:
Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman were invited to speak to poly upper school students about the dangers of substance and process addiction that threaten todays adolescents. Dr. Pinsky's being invited back to poly is strange even though his topics were reasonable. Some shows produced by Dr. Drew have caused his career to be filled with controversy. Poly students were not affected as much by Dr. Drew's talk as they could have been.
Analysis:
Rewriting a passage written entirely in the active voice created a passage that dodged its way around the point it was trying to get across and took a lot of words to say very little. While writing this passage in the passive voice, I noticed how much this paragraph really needed to be in the active voice in order to attract the reader into reading more of the article. As the article I chose was an opinion piece it needed to draw the interest of the reader immediately by offering a contestable claim that made the reader want to read more. Without this passage being in the active voice, it becomes a boring start that would cause most of the readers to skip right over the article and read something else. Putting a passage in the passive voice causes a persuasive piece to become boring and unable to get its point across limiting the affect the paragraph can have.
Original passage: Diederich proposes that students will be given a list of about ten global challenges. Some of these challenges will relate to anything from climate change and civil war to the refugee crisis and civil rights. The students will then be expected to collectively narrow down to about three topics they wish to explore further in depth throughout the year. Students will be able to choose specific regions or countries and research how particular areas are dealing with the issues. The students will also learn about diverse, non-western perspectives and share this newly gained insight with the rest of the class through enriching discussions.
ReplyDeleteRewrite: Diederich proposes that a list of about ten global challenges will be given to the students. Some of these challenges will relate to anything from climate change and civil war to the refugee crisis and civil rights. Then, three topics that they wish to explore further in depth throughout the year will be narrowed down to collectively by the students. Specific regions or countries and how they are dealing with these issues will be chosen and researched. Diverse, non-western perspective with also be learned by the students, and this gained insight with then be shared with the rest of the class by the students through enriching discussions.
Translating the voice from active to passive was awkward, and made the sentence sound like it was struggling to get to the point. When the writer was discussing the topics that the students would choose, the passive voice made the sentences sound uncomfortable. "Then, three topics that they wish to explore further in depth throughout the year will be narrowed down to collectively by the students." It isn't that awkward, but compared to the active voice, there is definitely a weird sound to it. Although it is still comprehensible and clear, changing the voice from active to passive made the passage sound mildly awkward and as though it was beating around the bush to get to the point of the sentences.
Original
ReplyDeleteDespite previous “America First” foreign policy positions, President Trump recently changed his stance on Assad and Syria from one of complacency to one of militancy. As a symbol of condemnation towards Assad’s most recent use of chemical weapons in the ongoing Syrian Civil War, Donald With the recent North Korean missile tests and America’s subsequent deployment of aircraft carriers to the Korean peninsula, the issue of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) has once again become the subject of media attention. Mainstream news outlets, think tanks and pundits alike are debating the best way to both prevent further nuclear proliferation and address the abject poverty and lack of basic freedoms within the hermit kingdom. Every test is met with further trade sanctions by the U.S. that, despite their intent, seem to do little besides create more anti-U.S. propaganda opportunities for Kim Jong-un and worsen conditions for the non-elite within North Korea. It is time for the U.S. to take a new approach.
Reworked
Despite previous “America First” foreign policy positions,The stance of president J trump changed on Assad and Syria from one of complacency to one of militancy. Assad was a symbol of condemnation, for his most recent use of chemical weapons in the ongoing Syrian Civil War, The missile test affiliated with Donald and North Korea were tests among America’s subsequent deployment of aircraft carriers. to the Korean peninsula, the issue of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) has once again become the media of attention has become the subject. Outlets of mainstreaming, think tanks and pundits alike are debating the best way to both prevent further nuclear proliferation and address the abject poverty and basic freedoms lack of
the hermit kingdom. Every test is met with the U.S. fulfilling further trade functions that, despite their intent, seem to do little besides create more anti-U.S. propaganda opportunities for Kim Jong-un and worsen conditions for the non-elite within North Korea. It is time for the U.S. to take a new approach.
Analysis
Altering the normal Paw Print’s sentence to passive voice affected the readability, and disturbed the grammar. When changing the sentences from their original form to the passive voice I realized the readability was quite hard to flow off the tongue. Though the grammar was quite easy and simple to adjust the problem with switching the action and subject was flow. “President Trump recently changed his stance on Assad and Syria from one of complacency to one of militancy.” This quote analyzes Trumps stance on the militancy occurring at the moment. The flow is clear and the readability is proper. Compared to “the stance of president J trump changed on Assad and Syria from one of complacency to one of militancy.” Though this sentence is grammatically correct, the flow is substantially worse compared to the first sentence. All in all constructing a full passive voice paragraph is easily possible, but suffers a flow dilemma.
ReplyDeleteOriginal Passage:
“Although the one-child policy has now been replaced by the two-child policy, Fong’s work showed the long-lasting impact of the policy and its many complexities that bind together all aspects of the nation’s society and economy. Fong illuminated many facets of both the policy and China as a whole, offering an informative and timely perspective on the country.”
Rewritten: Although the one-child policy has now been replaced by the two-child policy, the work done by Fong showed the long-lasting impact of the policy and the policies many impacts.The facets of both the policy and China as a whole were illuminated by Fong, offering an informative and timely perspective on the country.
Altering this passage was more difficult than altering the others. I don't think it changed the meaning of the passage as much as it just made it sound weird. It is much easier to read and write passages that don't sound so awkward. I feel like sometimes I get ahead of myself and write things that don't make sense at all. I think this passage alteration helped me realize how awkward too much of the passive voice sounds.
Original passage, written by Desmond Mantle:
ReplyDeleteHere in the United States, we are uniquely free. While we can choose so many of the things that affect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea have no such freedom.
However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism has done to the populations of these countries, it is also important to recognize that there are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the “Free World.”
Passage with passive voice:
Here in the United States, we are uniquely free. While so many of the things that affect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink) can be chosen by us, no such freedom is had by citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea.
However, just as the immense damage that authoritarianism has done to the populations of these countries is recognized by us, it is also important to recognize that life under authoritarian regimes is preferred by some people to life in the “Free World.”
The shift from active to passive voice not only diminishes Mantle's writing, it blurs the focus of each sentence from the actor (subject) to what ever is being acted upon, which in turn weakens the author's voice and message. This reworking leads to far less concise clauses in which the subject is revealed at or near the end of the sentence. Since the actor of the sentence is not known until the relevant ideas of the sentence have already been expressed, the reader is essentially left to walk in the dark, waving blindly for the subject at hand. This literary oblivion is especially noticeable in the first clause of the second paragraph in the edited version, which reads, "However, just as the immense damage that authoritarianism has done to the populations of these countries is recognized by us..." The ultimate phrase in this dependent clause is "by us," which is the subject of the sentence. Although the subject, "us," does make an eventual appearance, the reader is left guessing at the significance of the "immense damage" referenced. In the original version, which implements active voice, this distinction, and the meaning of the sentence, is far clearer. Mantle writes, "However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism has done to the populations of these countries..." The conventional structure of this (subject then predicate), facilitates far more clarity than the edited version, since the reader knows how the dependent clause functions in the piece: to contrast the understanding, or lack of understanding, people in the West have for citizens of authoritarian regimes. As a result, the edited version comes off as fumbling and connotes a confused or even conflicted speaker. Therefore, changing Mantle's prose to passive voice transforms the strong and incisive introduction into a jumbled, hectic shell of what it once was.
Original:
ReplyDeleteBased on the CNN Heroes Award, a platform designed to showcase and honor individuals who make extraordinary contributions to humanitarian aid, Paws for Humanity looked to the Poly Community for candidates. The applicants were judged based on what they would do with the grant and how their work specifically impacts the community and their own lives.
Passive:
Based on the CNN Heroes Award, a platform designed for individuals who make extraordinary contributions to humanitarian aid to be showcased and honored, the community was looked to for applicants by the Outreach Council. The applicants were judged based on what they would do with the grant and how the the community and their own lives are impacted by their cause.
Analysis:
When converting a paragraph from the Paw Print into all passive sentences, I noticed that although it did not change the actual meaning of the paragraph, it changed which part of each sentence the reader sees first, shifting the focus of the reader. I believe this can subconsciously send messages to the reader about what is most important in the sentence: “the community was looked to for applicants by the Outreach Council.” Although the change in this sentence from the original makes it a bit wordier, the sentence was strengthened by the change and because of this, fit better into the paragraph. Instead of mentioning what the Outreach Council did to the community in a paragraph that isn’t about the Outreach council, the focus was shifted to be on what was being done to the community. This change made the sentence fit into the paragraph since a big theme of the paragraph is community.
Anais Singh Passive Voice
ReplyDeleteOriginal Passage:
Over spring break, a group of Upper School students and chaperones, led by Assistant Director of Admission Kara Ramirez, went to Nicaragua on a service-based trip. The participants worked with a service-learning organization called Outreach360 to help enhance education for underserved children in Nicaragua. Ramirez stated, “After arriving, we had an orientation and a walking tour of the town and we learned a lot about behavior guidelines and personal conduct expectations within the Nicaraguan culture.”
Abstract Nouns:
Over spring break, a service-based trip to Nicaragua was taken by a group of Upper School students, led by Assistant Director of Admission Kara Ramirez. A service-learning organization called Outreach360 was worked with by the participants to help enhance education for underserved children in Nicaragua. “After arriving, we had an orientation and a walking tour of the town and we learned a lot about behavior guidelines and personal conduct expectations within the Nicaraguan culture.” stated Ramirez
Analytical Paragraph:
I found this adaptation of changing all sentences to a passive voice the easiest prompt of the three Paw Print assignments. Unlike the past prompts, I wasn’t changing the content of the passages, but just rearranging them to become a passive voice. I found this interesting because before, I didn’t know what writing in the passive voice was, and had never experimented with it in my writing.
Original: In their most recent game against the Kares, the game remained scoreless through three and a half innings, but in the bottom of the fourth, Poly brought in two runs to take a 2-0 lead. In the bottom of the fifth, Poly added two more runs, increasing their lead to 4-0.
ReplyDeletePassive: In the most recent game, the game remained scoreless for us. Two runs were made by us in the bottom of the fourth. Two more runs were added by us in the bottom of the fifth. The lead increased to 4-0 by us.
The transformation from regular to passive voice altered about everything in this passage. The author's voice became bland and unengaging. Since the subject of each sentence was flipped with each indirect object, the main focus decreases in strength and importance. While this passage is only a game update, altering it to be read in the passive voice, takes away the clarity and meaning of the passage. It becomes no longer clear what the author is trying to say and/or explain in the text. This passage is just a simple paragraph describing the highlights of Poly's varsity baseball game but changes to an almost unreadable text. The ideas of this writer become more suggestive than factual when I altered the voice within it. The facts within this passage change from pure evidence, to sounding like the author is questioning him/herself. When altering the structure of this text, both the focus and significance of Poly's baseball team weakens. The subject (Poly's baseball team) dwindles to merely an extra word instead of the sole meaning and purpose of this article.