This analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
It's So Simple
Select a 3-4 sentence passage from the most recent edition of the Paw Print. Rewrite the passage so that each sentence is a simple sentence. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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Changing every sentence in a paragraph to a simple sentence makes the paragraph less persuasive. In my personal example I changed a passage that was talking about a recent assembly about the dangers of drugs alcohol and social media. In the opening statement of this opinion piece the author uses compound and complex sentences to get through background information quickly and concisely in one and a half sentences. Using simple sentences instead increases the number of exposition sentences to three. When the exposition is entirely simple sentences such as, "The students were spoken to about the dangers of substance abuse" it makes the writer speak in the passive voice which is less effective in getting a point across. Using the passive voice makes the reader have to get through more meaningless words to get to the point of the sentence, which leads to less thought about what the words are saying. Changing the paragraph I chose into only simple sentences switches the passage I chose from a persuasive thesis to a group of statements which tell what the paragraph will be about.
ReplyDeleteThe Outreach Council selected candidates for Paws for Humanity from the Poly community. The applicants were judged on how they would use grant money. Applicants were also judged based on how each charity impacted their lives. The winner was awarded prize money.
ReplyDeleteConverting a passage from the paw print into simple sentences made the passage much less detailed and enthusiastic. The applicants to Paws for Humanity applied out of sheer passion and enthusiasm for their volunteer work, and it is imperative to show that enthusiasm when writing about the program.When the extra detail and passion is removed, it changes the flow and voice of the writing. I found that when converting sentences from wide ranges of sentence types to simple sentences, I had to take out a lot of background detail that didn’t necessarily contribute to the message of the sentence, but rather the tone and mood in which it was written with: “The Outreach Council selected candidates for Paws for Humanity from the Poly community.” This passage can be read in a more monotone voice than “Based on the CNN Heroes Award, a platform designed to showcase and honor individuals who make extraordinary contributions to humanitarian aid, Paws for Humanity looked to the Poly community for candidates.” In the simple sentence version, not only did the entire mention of CNN Heroes have to be removed, but the detail of the sentence through words like extraordinary, and a deeper explanation of what the project was (humanitarian aid), had to be removed.
Article by Alexa Schlaerth, adaption by Luisa:
ReplyDeleteThe Upper School Outreach Council recently presented the finalists for the Paws for Humanity project. This project highlighted students and their service work in the Poly community. This project is based on the CNN Heroes Award. It is a platform designed to showcase and honor individuals who make extraordinary contributions to humanitarian aid. Paws for Humanity looked to the Poly community for candidates.
Analysis:
Converting all of these complex and compound sentences to simple changed a large portion of the essay, including the tone. Several sentences were so advanced that it was difficult to find the right words for a simple sentence. For instance, one original sentence that Alexa wrote is: “Based on the CNN Heroes Award, a platform designed to showcase and honor individuals who make extraordinary contributions to to humanitarian aid, Paws for Humanity looked to the Poly community for candidates,” (Schlaerth 1). This sentence was particularly difficult to break into simple sentences due to its length and complexity. The original passage was transformed into three separate simple sentences, which goes to show how in depth the writer went in one single sentence. Overall, the original passage was significantly better and more interesting to read, which demonstrates how differing sentence structure drastically improves an essay..
President Trump recently changed his stance on Assad and Syria. From one of complacency to one of militancy. As a symbol of condemnation towards Assad’s most recent use of chemical weapons. Donald agreed with the recent North Korean missile tests. America’s subsequent deployment of aircraft carriers to the Korean peninsula. The issue of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has once again become the subject of media attention. Mainstream news outlets think tanks and pundits are alike. Debating the best way to both prevent further nuclear proliferation. addressing the abject poverty and lack of basic freedoms within the hermit kingdom. Every test is met with further trade sanctions by the U.S. It seems that to besides create more anti-U.S. propaganda. The opportunities for Kim Jong-un worsen conditions. This was for non-elite koreans.
ReplyDeleteAltering the normal Paw Print passage to a simple sentence creates issues with flow and precision. In the simple sentence version I created, the thought ended up being unclear compared to the version before. For example in the original, the author states a incredibly long sentence with numerous independent and dependant clauses While in the simple sentence version, I was forced to cut out all of the dependant clause and keep one independent clause. “As a symbol of condemnation towards Assad’s most recent use of chemical weapons in the ongoing Syrian Civil War, Donald With the recent North Korean missile tests.” This quotation provides an in depth representation of what Assad’s acquirement of the chemical weapons and how that relates to North korea’s missiles. On the other hand, the simple sentence is critically depleted of its information. “Assad’s most recent use of chemical weapons.” The difference in information is outrageous but ultimately affects the quality of the article. Simple sentences are a terrible substitute for an entire paragraph, because it affects the flow and ultimately ruins the information being provided.
Translating the passage selected from the Paw Print Newspaper into simple sentences not only changed the type of sentence it was, but also weakened the fluidity and flow of the article. While converting a few sentences from the article on the new Global Initiatives Program at Poly, I noticed that it started to sound inevitably choppy, and no matter how many times I rewrote it in a different simple sentence, it wouldn't read as smoothly as it had prior to the switch. Before the switch, the passage read: "Although the curriculum and the structure of the
ReplyDeletecourse are still in development, Diederich proposes that students will be given a list of about ten global challenges, ranging from climate change and civil
war to the refugee crises and civil rights, and will be expected to collectively narrow down to about three topics they wish to explore further in depth throughout the year." Then, after switching all of the sentences to simple sentences, the passage sounded incredibly different: "Diederich proposes that students will be given a list of about ten global challenges. Some of these challenges will relate to anything from climate change and civil war to the refugee crisis and civil rights. The students will then be expected to collectively narrow down to about three topics they wish to explore further in depth throughout the year." Changing this into simple sentences completely changed the passage, making it choppy and giving it a messy feeling. At first, it flowed smoothly, using all different types of sentences, yet after a simple change, the whole passage seemed to be written by a completely different person. The replacement of the passage with simple sentences changed the sentences to sound messier and choppier, removing the flow and fluidity completely.
Original passage: The chemistry building between each member on team will help propel both teams to improve as they head into prelims and finals. With the boys taking first at four out of the five league meets, they are strong contenders to take the title as well. The girls team has remained in the hunt as well, with several close second place finishes in league meets.
ReplyDeleteSimplified: The chemistry between each member on the team will help propel both teams to improve. They will head into prelims and finals. The boys took the first four out of five league meets. They are strong contenders to take the title as well. The girls team was remained in the hunt, too. They have several close second place finishes in league meets.
Simplifying the sentences in a passage from a track and field article that I wrote alters the tone the passage is written in as the sentences change from smooth, flowing sentences that make a story, to short quips that simply spit out information. Within the passage, the original sentence that read, “The chemistry building between each member on team will help propel both teams to improve as they head into prelims and finals,” became two shorter, choppy sentences. The dependent clause, “as they head into prelims and finals,” I attached to the end of the sentence was intended to make the my voice as a writer come across more of a story versus delivering raw facts. While the goal of the passage (giving information about the track team) is still accomplished, the overall feel of the passage is completely different: the simplified passage sounds as if someone were reading a list of bullet points. Varying sentence structure makes written pieces easier to read—they sound smoother. The original sentence, “The girls team has remained in the hunt as well, with several close second place finishes in league meets,” fluently presents two ideas that are related to each other. In the edited version, the two ideas are separated by periods, automatically creating a pause between each thought and giving the sentences an awkward, staccato-like rhythm.
Passage: “Although the one-child policy has now been replaced by the two-child policy, Fong’s work showed the long-lasting impact of the policy and its many complexities that bind together all aspects of the nation’s society and economy. Fong illuminated many facets of both the policy and China as a whole, offering an informative and timely perspective on the country.”
ReplyDeleteSimple Sentences: The one-child policy was replaced. Now there is a two-child policy. Fong’s work showed the long-lasting impact of the policy. Fong illuminated many facets of the policy. He also illuminated many facets of china as a whole. He offered an informative perspective on the country.
Reflection: After editing the original passage and creating only simple sentences, I realized how important the diversity of sentences in a paragraph is. Not only for simple sentences, but if you were to only use complex sentences for even just a short paragraph, it becomes repetitive and boring. When rewriting the passage, I also noticed that I had to cut out some ideas and parts of sentences. Some of them were just supporting thoughts and some were crucial to make the passage flow nicely. But, either way, it made the paragraph slightly more confusing, and a lot more choppy. Not only did it now flow nicely, some important information was removed.
Original: In their most recent game against the Kares, the game remained scoreless through three and a half innings, but in the bottom of the fourth, Poly brought in two runs to take a 2-0 lead. In the bottom of the fifth, Poly added two more runs, increasing their lead to 4-0.
ReplyDeleteSimplified: The game remained scoreless the three and a half innings against the Kares. Poly brought in two runs in the bottom of the fourth. Poly added two more runs in the bottom of the fifth. They increased their lead to 4-0.
While simplifying a paragraph sounds like something easy, I found myself struggling quite often to keep the flow going. Using all simple sentences really took away the both interesting and complex parts of the passage. Before actually completing the task, I thought I would have no trouble at all with breaking the sentences down. But really, simplifying the articulate passages within the Paw Print, messes with the sentence flow and ends up sounding both awkward and forced. The author's voice drastically changed after I edited the passage. The voice became slower and always ended abruptly. Overall, converting original passages to simple sentences are a difficult thing to do and I think, ended up ruining this passage.
Original passage, written by Desmond Mantle:
ReplyDeleteHere in the United States, we are uniquely free. While we can choose so many of the things that affect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea have no such freedom.
However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism has done to the populations of these countries, it is also important to recognize that there are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the “Free World.”
Passage with only simple sentences:
We, American citizens, are uniquely free. We choose many of the things that affect our daily lives, such as our socks and our leaders. Socks and leaders should both be changed when they stink. Citizens of authoritarian countries, like North Korea and Cuba, have no such freedom.
Authoritarianism has done immense damage to the populations of these countries. It is important to recognize the preferences of some citizens. There are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the “Free World.”
Converting the above passage to simple sentences clearly made the modified passage weaker, but more importantly it eliminated the vital connections between each individual idea in the unaltered text. Most immediately noticeable is the change in diction of the respective passages and how each of them read. While the unedited passage comes off as a fairly standard and even humorous beginning to an opinion piece, the simplified version is jumbled and borderline-nonsensical. For example, the comedic line in the opening paragraph which reads, "While we can choose so many of the things that affect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink)" had to be changed to two independent sentences. This adaptation led to a sentence in the altered version reading, "Socks and leaders should both be changed when they stink." While still funny, this sentence is isolated and unnecessary, which is the opposite of the eloquent introduction Mantle wrote to begin with. Additionally, in the second paragraph, the link between damaging authoritarian regimes and the preferences of their respective citizens fades after the conversion to simple sentences. Not only do the sentences seem vague and child-like (except for the vocabulary), in the modified version, the meaning is lost on the reader. While individual ideas are still expressed, the progression between one to the next is lost, which greatly reduces the potential impact of the writing on any who reads it. Therefore, changing the text to simple sentences weakens it and diminishes the connections between each idea expressed in the initial passage.
Anais Singh Paw Print Assignment
ReplyDeleteOriginal Passage:
Over spring break, a group of Upper School students and chaperones, led by Assistant Director of Admission Kara Ramirez, went to Nicaragua on a service-based trip. The participants worked with a service-learning organization called Outreach360 to help enhance education for underserved children in Nicaragua. Ramirez stated, “After arriving, we had an orientation and a walking tour of the town and we learned a lot about behavior guidelines and personal conduct expectations within the Nicaraguan culture.”
Edited with Simple Sentences:
A group of students went to Nicaragua on a service-based trip. The participants worked with a service-learning organization. After arriving, we had an orientation. They learned a lot about behavior guidelines.
Analytical Paragraph:
When changing a passage from a news article to just simple sentences, the meaning of the passage is changed and simplified. True to their name, simple sentences make things simple. The passage I converted went from being at a high school writing level to the level of a second grader. This is because there cannot be more than one idea per sentence. It also makes the passage choppy, and much shorter. An interesting sentence, such as “The participants worked with a service-learning organization called Outreach360 to help enhance education for underserved children in Nicaragua.” changed to “ The participants worked with a service-learning organization.” The details, and elements that made the passage interesting were stripped away, just giving the basic information. Another example of this happening in the passage with converting the sentences to simple was when I changed “Ramirez stated, “After arriving, we had an orientation and a walking tour of the town and we learned a lot about behavior guidelines and personal conduct expectations within the Nicaraguan culture.” to “They learned a lot about behavior guidelines.” I was unable to include information such as the person giving the quote, specific details about what they learned, and other activities the students did when arriving in Nicaragua. Overall, having a whole paragraph full of just simple sentences does not make for an interesting or detailed passage, but gets the basic message across.
Finally, it was time to leave the march. We joined together together at The Line hotel in Koreatown. Weeks before, Grace had expressed. On this day, she needed to walk. Her sentiment sounded right. We walked three miles to The Line. We found ourselves reconnecting with Los Angeles. Only a pedestrian can.
ReplyDeleteMaking all the sentences simple sentences made the article less interesting and harder to enjoy. In the article, the writer is describing an experience at the Women's March. The original article says that, "Weeks before, Grace had expressed that on this day, she needed to walk," (Davis 2). Not only is Grace's action of expression better connected to the fact that she needed to walk, but it reads much more smoothly. "Finally, it was time to leave the march and join together at the line hotel," (2). The two simple sentences being combined connects the reason for why they had to leave with the action of actually leaving. When the sentence quoted is broken up, it seems like the people at the march left, and then went to the hotel. The main reason for why the passage is better in a mix of different sentence structures is because it is more enjoyable to read due to the passage sounding better.